


You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human (Cas POV)

by nickelmd



Series: You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 14:46:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1391590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelmd/pseuds/nickelmd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas can't figure out why everything can't go back to the way it was before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Learn Something New Every Time You're Human (Cas POV)

When Cas agrees to come back to the bunker, he can tell Dean's relieved, but he doesn't really know why. He's glad he's making Dean happy, because he likes Dean and he likes knowing Dean is happy. Cas himself feels relieved as well, but he doesn't understand that any better. Now that he has no wings, tying himself to one place is not the logical choice.

Sam and Dean's schedule is inconvenient for him as well. At night he isn't sure what to do. He's unable to take refuge in sleep, but his mobility is too limited for him to take advantage of the time to attend to other matters. Still, when Dean wakes in the morning, running his hand through sleep rumpled hair, smiling as he hands Cas an unnecessary coffee, he can't quite seem to remember anything else pressing he has to do.

Day in, day out, Dean seems pleased to have him there, but every day it takes Cas by surprise. Even though he understands Dean's reasons for ejecting from the bunker the first time, he still expects Dean will one day soon suggest that there's no reason for him to keep hanging around. After all, he's making that argument to himself every day.

His first night in the bunker, Dean had showed Cas the room he'd set aside for him. Dean had lovingly run his hand over the new blanket, but then contradictorily announced it was, "nothing much, but it's yours."

Cas hadn't known how to respond. He didn't need a room or a bed. Neither were things he was accustomed to, but from his brief experience with humanity, he did recognize why humans placed such importance on them. He simply replied, "Thank you, Dean."

Dean had shrugged it off and hastily left Cas to "settle in," but Cas found himself mesmerized not only with the way the tips of Dean's ears tinged pink as he walked out, but also with the uncomfortable swoop in his own belly as he watched him leave.

The room is nearly as bare as the day he arrived. The only real addition is a music player Dean had given him. It was filled with music Dean deemed important, though Sam seemed to think it was inadequate in some way. Cas, however, found great pleasure in putting in the headphones at night, lying in the bed he'd never sleep in, weaving the lyrics in and out of the story of Dean's life. 

Cas had tried to talk to Dean about it once, but Dean had looked uncomfortable and told him, "They're just songs, Cas. You're supposed to enjoy 'em, that's all." Cas had never brought it up again, but his nightly routine stayed the same. 

Spending an extended amount of time with Dean has turned out to be a double edged sword. The spikes of adrenalin that shoot through his system when Dean smiles at him or slaps his shoulder in passing feel shockingly good in the moment, but offer new ways to torture himself when he thinks of them later. 

He read a book when he was human, when he was living in the Gas 'n Sip, a trashy paperback from the rack. It put words to the feelings he gets around Dean. While the book itself was terrible, only a diversion from the cold cement floor he was sleeping on, certain phrases and descriptions seemed a little too familiar. Uncertain what to do with that information, he did nothing. 

And then Dean showed up at the Gas 'n Sip, all easy smiles and encouragement and Cas knew, in truth, he had always been lost. But Dean had left him, and refused him again the next time they met. What was he to do, but push the realization down, and continue on as he always had?

When he stole another angel's grace, he did it to be ready for what was coming, but a part of him was relieved it would mean a return to a clear cut split between duty and emotion. He was confident it would make whatever feelings he had around Dean as distant and manageable as they had been before he became human.

In truth, though, the longer he stays, the worse it becomes. Now that his eyes are opened, instead of feeling it less, it seems to be more intense. In the same way that his hearing is sharper and his eyesight more clear, his…longing…develops a sharper edge. 

He takes to avoiding standing too close to Dean, thinking if he is too far to reach out and touch, his fingers won't ache with holding back. This turns out to be an inadequate solution. 

On more than one occasion Dean catches him staring from across the room. He scowls and becomes irrationally angry at Dean for forcing these reactions on him. He does the only thing he can, he turns and walks away.

One afternoon, Dean saunters into the library where Cas is researching the MoL angel lore, and announces Sam's out for the evening and he's taking Cas out to a diner for dinner. Cas' stomach does an unpleasant roll when he thinks about being alone with Dean.

The dinner is pleasant. More than pleasant really. He has been so on edge at the bunker that he's almost forgotten how much he enjoys simply being with Dean. For the first time in a while, he stops worrying about what his emotions mean, and just enjoys them. Everything is so easy, in fact, that he starts to wonder if he's wrong about what his emotions mean. It's natural that he's attached to Dean, given their history. They've been through much together, after all. He resolves to test this theory by spending more time with Sam. Perhaps these are just normal human feelings of closeness. 

And then Dean orders dessert with a wink and a smirk, informing him that he's ordered both slices for himself. If the wink and smile set Cas' heart racing with an awkward pleasure, Dean's casual assumption that he won't eat the pie stirs up strange feelings of inadequacy. He's not sure why, but it seems important that Dean's dining companion should eat dessert, therefore, it is important that Cas eat his own dessert.

Unfortunately, when the pie arrives, Cas finds it somehow underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. He's determined to work his way through it, until Dean steals his fork and shoves a giant slice of Cas' pie into his own mouth. Cas momentarily freezes, watching Dean close his eyes and savor the stolen pie. Dean swallows and says something, but Cas is too distracted by the movement of his adam's apple to pay any attention. He leans over the table and grabs Dean’s hand and the fork together, maneuvering both back to the pie, where he manages to collect a bite on the fork and aggressively reclaim what's his. 

Dean stares at him for a while with his mouth slightly ajar, looking a bit like a lost puppy, until he shakes himself and gruffly insists it's time to go home. The car ride back to the bunker is tense. Cas' body has been pumping out unfamiliar adrenaline ever since Dean stole a bite of his pie. It's confusing and he doesn't like it. Next to him, Dean's jaw twitches and his fingers briskly tap the steering wheel, but he says nothing. He feels like he's right back to square one. Impossible emotions with no solution. At least if he were human he could drink himself to sleep. He’s sure he’s seen Dean use that method.

He follows up his plan to spend time alone with Sam, by taking him out to breakfast. Sam seems confused by his desire to take him out eat, but after a minute smiles suspiciously and agrees. Cas frowns and wonders if asking Sam out to breakfast is weird. Dean had asked him out to lunch without Sam, even though Sam was sitting at the bunker table, and Sam hadn't seemed surprised or confused. 

Breakfast is fine. Cas enjoys Sam's company. Sam orders an egg white omelet and Cas orders coffee. Sam doesn't offer him any of his food and Cas isn't interested in it. They talk about research and Sam's future. It's all pleasant, but Cas still finds himself scowling. It definitely feels different than with Dean. He feels different. But, still, it's fine until Sam starts fidgeting with the sugar packets and asks, "Why did you want to come here without Dean?"

He's not sure how to answer the question without incriminating himself, "I...uh, thought it would be interesting to spend some time with you."

Sam's eyebrows raise marginally, "Interesting? And, has it been...interesting?"

"It's been very educational, yes. Thank you, Sam," Cas replies as neutrally as possible.

"Uh huh, ok," Sam huffs a small laugh, "You're welcome. You ready to go?"

"Yes. You go ahead. I have some things to take care of." Cas isn't sure he's ready to go back to the bunker just yet.

Sam narrows his eyes and his voice is serious when he asks, "But you'll be back tonight? You aren't leaving are you?"

"What? No, I don't think so, at least. I'm not planning on it." He doesn't say the truth, which is that he isn't sure he could leave even if he needed to.

Sam's voice is still serious when he replies, "Ok. Good. Cas, I want you to listen to me, ok? If you think you need to leave, you don't do it without telling Dean. I get that you've got things going on outside the bunker that are important, but I swear to God, if you leave without telling Dean..." his voice trails off a little and he shakes himself before starting over, "Just be sure he knows, ok?"

Cas stares at Sam a little longer than he should without answering, but he isn't sure what to say to convince Sam that he wouldn't leave without telling Dean. After all, he's done it so many times before, of course Sam thinks he might do it again. He knows he doesn't have any excuses, so he simply says, "Of course, Sam, I promise."

Sam looks more comforted by his words than he expected. He stands up and places his arm on Cas' shoulder before he leaves, "Ok, Cas. See you later. Thanks for breakfast."

Cas stares after him, then stares at his coffee for a long time, lost in thought. When he finally shakes himself out of it, he has a plan, but it takes until well into the night before he's ready to return to the bunker and execute it.

The bunker is quiet when he enters, but he can hear the tiny sounds of someone awake in the kitchen. It's not Sam's style to stay up brooding in common rooms, so it must be Dean. He walks to the kitchen, dragging it out as long as possible, still not sure his plan is the right one.

When he enters the kitchen, Dean is at the table, his head buried in his hands. Cas feels a desperate urge to move closer and place his hands on him in some kind of comfort, but he holds himself still and says, "Hello, Dean."

Dean looks up at him, but doesn't seem surprised to see him. He wonders if Dean heard him coming, "Hey, Cas."

Somehow he manages to tell Dean he wants to talk. Dean looks strangely resigned and Cas briefly worries that Dean already knows what he's going to say. He wonders if Dean is already trying to figure out how to let him down gently.

Dean stands up and faces him, "Sounds serious, let's go sit somewhere comfortable, at least." Dean's hand touches his shoulder as he passes and Cas can only follow. He realizes after a few moments that Dean must be headed to his bedroom, and he feels a familiar brush of adrenalin that is part fear and part excitement. Dean's bedroom is not where he'd choose to have this conversation. He's avoided it all this time, though sometimes, when Dean has been away, the urge to enter his room and soak him in has been overwhelming.

He hovers in the doorway, unsure why Dean wants to talk in here. Dean interrupts his thoughts, "Come on in, man, I’m not gonna bite, I’m just beat and I want to stretch out." 

Cas steps in trying to ignore the way Dean's legs stretch out on the bed. The bed is big enough that he could sit next to Dean, but that seems too close. He grabs the armchair and pulls it closer to the bed. Before he can start, Dean speaks, his voice slow and hesitant, like he has to drag the words out, "Cas, whatever you need to tell me, it’s ok. I’m not gonna get mad, or whatever you’re thinking that has you looking like you’re about to ask a girl to the prom for the first time.”

Cas almost laughs at how close to the truth Dean has come, but the anxiety he is feeling keeps the laughter from forming. He's been trying to think of how to start this conversation all day, but he still picks his words carefully, "It’s not...I need guidance...on something. It involves my time as a human, and my time after, and I suppose my time before as well. And it, involves emotions.” He looks up and sees Dean's eyebrows raise before he continues, “I realize you don’t like to discuss your emotions, but I’m not...that is, this is about me. I hope that makes it an acceptable conversation topic.”

Dean smiles unexpectedly, “Cas, come on. You think I’m gonna kick you out of my room because you’re sorting shit out? Especially since I left you alone to figure most of being human out by yourself. I think I owe you one. A big one. So, out with it, before I fall asleep.”

"Dean, " Cas begins and rubs his hands on his pants when he finds his palms unexpectedly sweaty, "do you ever look back at our first years together and wonder why I did the things I did?”

Cas can see Dean's confusion as he answers, “Uh, well, I don’t know, I guess it kinda seemed like you did it because you’re not a dick like the rest of your family?”

“Yes. I guess that’s some of it, but rebelling, working with you and Sam to stop the apocalypse, always coming back to you, always protecting you. You, Dean, in particular, you. Did you ever wonder about that?” Cas probes.

Dean looks like he's going to be sick and he takes a while to answer. When he finally looks up, all he says is, "Sometimes."

Cas thinks that's because Dean is human. Humans are always wondering, questioning. It makes him smile as he continues, "I didn't. I never did. I knew your cause was just. I believed I followed you for that reason--"

Cas is surprised when Dean interrupts forcefully, "Whoa, Cas, slow down, you didn't follow me anywhere. You were on our side, but that's-”

Cas feels a surge of irritation, and it gives him the push he needs to continue, but first he needs to make something clear, “Dean, your lack of faith in yourself doesn't translate to others’ lack of faith in you. We all followed you,” Dean moves forward with more protests on his lips, Cas raises his hand “shhh, this isn't worth arguing about. Be still and accept my word that I followed you in your cause. 

"I think I would have followed you in any case. Your side was the right one, but there were other things I felt when I was with you, things that I had never felt before. When I was with you, I felt, I, I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted *you* to think I was doing the right thing. When you were angry at me, it made me angry with myself and angry with you. When I was with you I felt...that is to say, I **felt**. I assumed it was a side effect of spending time with humanity, of being cut off from the host for a time. But mostly I didn't see any reason to think about it at all.”

On his bed, Dean is very still. Cas stands and paces, hoping to burn off some his nervous energy before he continues. He runs his hands through his hair, trying hard not to pull it all out, finally stopping and turning to face Dean, focusing on his legs to avoid looking in his eyes, "When I was human...things were different. I felt connected to my emotions in a way I hadn't previously experienced. My emotions felt important. It isn’t that I didn't know fear as an angel, it was just unimportant. But as a human, my fear *mattered* to me. I made decisions based, not on what was the logical choice, but based on my fears, my hopes, my...desires," he can't help looking up at Dean then, but Dean's face is a mask, there's nothing to indicate what he's thinking.

Cas is so close to saying it all. He finds himself wondering if he could simply tell Dean to forget it and leave at this point, but he continues anyway, "Since I have regained some grace, I, I have tried to tell myself that those experiences are behind me. I have tried to tell myself that certain…realizations…I had were part of the confusion of my humanity and not a fundamental part of me. Dean, I have tried. I promise you, I have tried. I wouldn't burden you with this if I hadn't tried. In short, I have tried to prove myself wrong again and again, but Dean, I'm not wrong. It has always been true, only, now that I've let myself feel it, and know it, I can't unfeel it. I can't unknow it. And I can't be here, with you, without telling you."

He still isn't looking at Dean when he interrupts, "Cas, it's ok. I knew you were going to want to leave eventually. You always do, right. More important matters and all that. Just spit it out Cas, I can take it."

Cas is shocked into silence. Why does Dean think he's leaving? Why does he think now is the time to interrupt? His emotions, which he has so carefully reigned in for this conversation start to bubble to the surface, a little wild and out of control, "Why do you make everything so difficult?"

And then Dean's up and in his face, "Look, asshole, I'm trying to make this easy for you. What part of 'It's OK' don't you understand. I know you can't stay here with me forever. I get it. It's-"

Suddenly everything clicks into place, Dean's anger, his assumption Cas is leaving, Sam's warning not to leave without telling Dean, "Dean. Stop," he says, firm, but no longer angry, "Please, let me finish." He waits for Dean's barely perceptible nod, reaching up and taking Dean's face in his hands before continuing, "Dean, I love you. I think I have loved you since I first laid a hand on you, but it is more than the love I developed for humanity. When I say I love you, I mean that I am in love with you. When we are apart I ache, when we are together I ache more for wanting to touch you and not being allowed. I want to claim you as mine and be claimed in return. I know all of this now, but I don't know what that means for you. Tell me, Dean. Do you want me to go?"

Cas waits, his thumbs rubbing over the tears on Dean's cheekbones, reverent, wondering that Dean is submitting to his touch.

Dean finally breaks his silence, "No, you stupid dick, I don't want you to go." 

Cas laughs. It's not a declaration of love, but it's not a rejection. He starts to lift his hands away from Dean's face, but Dean's hands catch his and bring them back. Cas stops breathing as Dean leans his face closer, pressing his lips to his, breathing out softly, "Please, stay."


End file.
